Communicating About Money to Avoid Marital Woes

This is a question that came in from one of my readers asking for advice on how to address money concerns with her husband as times are tough. Communicating about money at the best of times is not always easy. Read on to learn some tips for effective money communication.

Q. I listened to your radio show last weekend. My husband and I recently refinanced our home to consolidate several credit cards that we had allowed to run up after he had to take a pay cut at his job. We have always had difficulty communicating about money, and it has reached a point where he has completely shut off and all we do is argue if either of us brings up the subject. I am concerned because we have started to use the cards again, for everything from gas to groceries to department stores - and I am fearful that we are going down the path to destruction we just emerged from a few months ago. I truly believe our lack of communication is the root of the problem
A. I sense your extreme concern and agree that you are headed for a train wreck if the two of you continue down the same path. The first step is to admit there is a problem. This communication breakdown isn’t something that happened overnight. I want you to understand that there will be no quick fix and the work ahead will be challenging. You must ask yourselves, "Are we willing to turn this problem around?" The reality is that if you feel you should or, have to, the probability you will succeed is slim to none. Being willing means that you’re both ready to turn this financial situation around because you deserve it and because you’re now on the same page. However, the only way you’re going to find this out is if you’re willing to start talking about it.

When one partner takes a pay cut, it puts a strain on the family and impacts one’s sense of self worth. To compound matters, the fear and stress around how bills will be paid puts undue pressure on the two people involved. Avoidance and denial seem to be the paths of least resistance because discussions become heated and no solution is ever arrived at. That’s because we don’t know how to have the money talk in a way that’s safe, mutually respectful and solution oriented. Unfortunately, difficult money talks between couples are more likely to be about blame, guilt, shame and fear which is a recipe for disaster, often leading to increased debt.

Here are the simple steps you can take to initiate a money conversation with your husband.

1. Acknowledge that it’s been a difficult time and ask him if he’d be willing to free up some time so both of you can talk about things in a non combative way. Tell him that your intention is not to fight - that you simply want for both of you to look at what you as a couple can be doing differently.

2. Choose a neutral, quite location where there will be no distractions. Having the talk in your home has a lot of trigger points that can often provoke an argument.

3. Allow each other uninterrupted time to talk. When your husband is speaking, I want you to do nothing but listen and focus on hearing what he’s really saying. Suspend your judgments and any need to defend yourself. When it’s your turn to talk, avoid blaming him and be conscious to keep it about how you feel versus telling him what he’s doing wrong. Allowing yourselves the time to hear and be heard will positively shift the dynamics between you. Be willing to be vulnerable about how you’re feeling. If you’re scared, tell him. Also, recognize that it may be harder for your husband to express how he’s feeling as men and women have been taught to show emotion quite differently.
Have your money talks on a regular basis as practice makes perfect!

4. Get clear on how you mutually want your financial picture to look. Take it one baby step at a time. The more steps you accomplish as a couple, the more excited and confident you will become.

Before long your debt will be paid off and you’ll have mutual money goals to work towards - all because you were willing to start talking!

For more information, log onto www.debtfreediva.com

Dee Dee Sung
Founder, Debt Free Divas
From Self Worth to Net Worth
coach@debtfreediva.com